We all know that it’s coming. Despite the fact that we get up and go through the daily slog of a job that we would rather not die at, the underlying signs of the apocalypse really are just too much to ignore. The foundations of American democracy as we know it are on the ropes, tensions are running high in the streets, Nashville is good at hockey, and Elon Musk wants to turn us all into robots. It’s really just a matter of time, now.
With this knowledge, you can either curl up in a ball and wait for the inevitable and impending doom to wash over you, or you can pick yourself up and prepare yourself to survive for as long as you can against whatever hordes of godless murder creatures are going to inhabit the apocalypse (they’re most likely your neighbors). Here are some necessary precautions to take for the upcoming apocalypse…
Have a self-contained survival kit for at least two months
First of all, if you’re going to try surviving the apocalypse, then you really need to plan for success. This means having a readily accessible kit of all of the things that you think you’re going to need to get by as hellfire engulfs the world as you know it, including healthy snacks, painkillers, clothes that you don’t mind getting dirty, headphones, sunscreen, and extra socks. Oh, and drinking water if it will fit! Two months is probably a good target to aim for with this survival kit. You’d probably get bored by that point, anyways.
Have an off-site unit with everything you need
When the apocalypse hits, nobody is going to be ready and in a good spot when the starting gun is fired. Indeed, if you aren’t already in your home, there is a good chance that any preparations in your house are going to do you no good, because looters, vagrants, and loiterers will have already had their way with it, by the time you head there to get your things.
Because of this, it’s important to have a good offsite location, such as a storage unit, to stock up on survival supplies and guns (but mostly guns, and perhaps also a rusty truck with a gun on top), so that you can go there and have one of those moments where you go there and surprise everybody with the foresight you had, and then chuckle to yourself about how everybody said you were paranoid, but who’s laughing now!? Oh, and make sure that the unit is secure, because it would be a damn shame to lose that one, as well.
Make your ideal plan
Everybody has some half-hearted plan about where they’re going to go when the apocalypse happens, but you’re the type of person who is really going to think this out. You need enough material to fill at least 3 large maps that you unroll on a desk or table after you’ve carelessly shoved the previous contents off. Every detail of this plan is going to be entirely thought out, including the access points of every location, the pH level of soil in the vicinity, and how many miles to all accessible fresh water. Every possible thing that could go wrong will need to be considered, and you’ll be as bulletproof as this plan.
Make the more probable plan B
When your first plan inevitably falls through, it’s good to have some haphazardly thrown together plan be that just might work. Worst-case logistics should be thought through with this plan, such as which family member you’ll have to eat first, when it comes down to it. Sure, you might think little Jimmy is the natural choice, since he’s really put on a lot of weight, lately. But all of that cholesterol really isn’t going to be good for you, and it would be a damn shame to have a heart-attack be the thing that kills you during the apocalypse, when there’s so many other opportunities.
Read The Road
Pretty much 90% of preparing for the apocalypse is just putting yourself in the right mindset. To do this, you’re going to need some terrifically bleak apocalyptic literature to set the mood. There’s pretty much only two viable options around today that can help you accomplish this goal. The first is the Holy Bible, and the second is Cormac McCarthy’s seminal work, The Road. The Bible has some pretty good parts, but there’s also a lot of dull bits about love and compassion in the second half, so we highly recommend that you start with The Road.
Take time every day to practice survival skills
If you don’t know kung fu, then you can pretty much write off any chances of survival. Enough said.
Make a list of other likely survivors
When the apocalypse hits, about 4 out of 5 people are going to be goners on the first day. That’s just the way it is. However, there are bound to be some other survival enthusiasts who have honed their body and mind, knowing that this day would come. Make a list of who these individuals are likely going to be in your neighborhood, since you’re clearly going to have to join them or take them out. Obviously, military experience is a good indicator for this list, but the kindly Ms. Sweeney down the road can be quite a mean old hag when she wants to be (and I hear she’s a self-made widow), so definitely don’t misjudge and rule out the dark horse.